A Baby Step To Move On

Do I really like you or I just obsessed with you?

Maybe this is not as easy as it starts, but I know where it goes. I will move forward to the place where I don’t need you. Where I can see myself laugh and smile because I want to, not because I saw you. Not because little things that you did to me. Not even close. Not even a bit.

I’m happy because I have conquered myself.

In the past it was so exhausting every time I’m craving for your attention. Bothered by the thing that actually I don’t need to worried about.

It harmed myself more than I expected. I become so obsessed, everything is always about you. You become the priority that I don’t need to. And that ruined everything.

I pretended to be someone else, I lose myself, and even more, for many times I lose you. It hurts me and I know that It hurts you too.

What are we? You and I asked for each other. And then you silent. The silent that you know will hurt me.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I repeatedly talk to myself in your room. The place where I always beg you to stay. And this is the fourth time we did this. This is too many, you can’t handle me anymore.

My friends always told me you are just being nice to me. You are too kind to hate and avoid me. I knew that. Cuz in the end of the day, we are always being back together. Not in a romantic way, but it’s good to know that you still want me in your life. Even after the damage that I’ve done between us.

We supposedly reminds to be stranger for each other.

You supposedly only become somebody I talk for one or two. Not like these.

‘These’ means; I want to have you for my own, I don’t want to share you to anyone, I don’t want you to ignore me even for a second. Those are actually the wrong reason to love somebody.

Why I become so needy, pathetic, and insecure like that? For someone like you? Whom I know nothing about. Whom I just known for a months. Who don’t even care about me at all.

I wonder, what exactly thing that make me really crazy about you?

I dig for the answer. I don’t find anything in particular. I have nothing to say.

Nonetheless, if I don’t have the answer it means supposedly my feelings will fades as time goes by. I hope.

The last time we argued for each other, I told you that I promise to totally leave your life. To make a real distance. Without any doubt, you agree with that. Maybe this is best for us. You said.

You don’t want me anymore. But you still make me stay in your room.

But, I know why. You pity me. And you do realize that you are bad for me. And we both know that.

And I said, ‘Please help to make me don’t need you anymore. Please help to make me don’t want you anymore’.

You sigh and silent. You just gave me a sign to leave your room.

I still hold my tears. You accompany me to the front door. Without saying goodbye to each other, then I went. I didn’t look back. And when I was on my way to my place I secretly make a promise to myself.

This time I will break my pattern, I will letting you go, and I will be fine.