What I Exactly Miss From You?

Yes, I wonder to myself.

Who is that person you may ask? It’s all of the crushes that I couldn’t have. Classic me.

I put the context here. Recently my life got better, after having a new job with a good salary I even met a new person that I adore so much.

However, in a split second, it suddenly becomes a disaster movie in act 2. Where act 2 in the movie refers to the situation where the heroine that people are rooting for is experiencing all the shitty things in life.

Long story short, I was fired with no money and needed to survive here in Jakarta. Not only for myself but for my whole family.

So, yeah, the situation is not pretty good for me, however, luckily I still have a freelancing job that can pay my bills.

And because of that frustration, I need some kind of affection to comfort me. I’m craving the love and attention of someone I love.

Sadly I have none of it.

Since the pandemic, I have been in on-off mode using all the dating apps. If I get matched, and we have sex afterward, I just uninstall the apps right away.

Because it’s just for sex in the very beginning. I never intended to get into a serious relationship with them. I was never attracted to them in the very first place. I just can’t have a relationship with someone I know is into me. I just can’t.

Okay, back with my old habit, I just back digging the old memories that I still can find on Twitter. I searched for my name and that person, and it was a really long time ago. 11 years ago, to be precise.

And it’s still there. The flirt, the jokes, the frustration, everything that young love had been through was there.

However, jokes on me. That person is never mine, and it’s like unfinished business all over again. The curiosity about the feelings that I thought it’s mutual it’s never been answered.

There was a time when I totally got no room for this shit for years, but at a moment like this, the what-if moment back haunted me.

I miss that person.

I miss all those years I spent chasing the love that I thought was for me.

I was a sad boy that never had real love, not even once. And years after years, this exact question always pops up in my head.

What precisely that I miss from that person?

The person that never wants me.

The person that leaves me hanging.

The person that just gave me a bit and pieces of hope that never be real.

And I’m stupid enough to believe it even now.

Because I never had a person that made me feel beloved before as that person did.

I miss you. I really do.

I miss the old version of you that makes me feel seen and beloved.

Well, I had a dream about us last night, and it sums up all the wishes that I always put in my prayer.

We go back together. Like we used to. Laughing over a stupid joke and we are just simply happy to wander around with your old motorcycle.

And at that exact moment, I know for sure, even for a second, that deep down in your heart, you know that I’m the only one that can understand you. As if you really wanted me to be in your life.

You did.

Relax, it’s just a stupid revisit of memories. You are not cool enough to chase now.

Anyway, I have a morning meeting tomorrow and one deadline to be submitted before the weekend. So, I think I’m gonna finish the tragic story here.

Baby, you can just simply reply to my text

“Was it hard?”

I remembered I almost yelled at you on the phone. How could someone be such an asshole?

We were back together right at your 28th birthday party, where it was just two of us. That night in the very sober night, you fucked me. You said it was wrong in the morning, but we met again in the next two weeks, and we fucked again. This time you didn’t say anything.

Two times becomes third times; third times suddenly becomes frequently. Whenever you are in Jakarta, you will call me, and we will fuck each other again.

It’s already six months. We were pretty happy as an awkward couple. Wait a sec, are we a couple? I asked you one time.

You giggled and showed your beautiful teeth, then kissed my neck.

“You are my sex slave. Obey me!”
“Fuck you!”

And we kiss again.

It was the happiest time in my adulting year. Since my best friend died because of cancer, I feel like I’m losing my ground. I need someone to comfort me, and like any good song, you complete me.

You barely talk, but we know how to make each other feel beloved. And I thought that’s enough. I can live like this for the rest of my life as long as you are with me.

However, jokes on me. You never call me again since two months before your 29th birthday. I texted you, and I called you. I did everything. But I don’t remember you replying to it.

What is wrong? Why do we end up like this?

Still no answer from you.

After months of silence and rejection, I researched and figured out where your office is. I brave myself to meet you in person. I want closure. I was hoping you could answer all of my questions. And yes, deep down, I may still have wished we would be back together.

Once I arrived in front of your office building, I emailed you. I’ll inform you that I’ll talk to the receptionist and tell her we have an important meeting.

You still silence me, so I think I’ll go further to find you in your room.

And when the lift was open, I saw you. The real you that I’ve missed for months. Unfortunately, with your…. ex.

I guess you guys are just back together.

Of course, the mission is canceled.

I can’t be crazy in front of your fucking ex. It’s a big no-no. I ordered a taxi and leave you behind. But, for sure, you saw me too, that’s why in the next five minutes you are replying to my email.

“Are you losing your mind? It’s just a fling. We are done. Get over it.”

I turn off my phone and went back to meet with my two friends in some loud, stupid bars. I can’t even hear the voice in my head. I tell them about the situation and they give me the strongest alcohol that they said will erase all my pain right away.

They aren’t lying, after two glasses and one box of cigarettes, somehow I can accept the fact that you are no longer with me. You are an asshole.

Why do you take me back to feeling alone all over again when we can be happy together?

WHY?!!!! I asked myself and cried a bit.

Why do I need to feel alone just because of the absence of your existence? It’s not fair.

How can I allow this one fucking person makes me feel like I have no one in this big world? How can I let this person make my life feels like shit?

I won’t give you that. You are shit because it was who you are.

But, me? I was more than a fling. I’m the best thing that ever happened in your stupid life. I’m the life at the party. I’m the main show. And you just… nothing.

Eventually.

When That Night We Speak Love Differently

It’s never on my purpose. We were, by chance, invited to the same Christmas dinner by our mutual friends. When I found out about it, I asked you to pick me up for the sake of the old times memories as my Christmas wish. I know that it sounds so cringe. You giggled on the phone. You said I just want a free ride as usual. I nodded. Because I know for sure, for any reason, you’ll still say yes anyway.

To make everything less weird, because again, it’s just a simple Christmas dinner, I thought I didn’t need to bring any gifts or silly cards that I always wrote for you. I remember you saying that you were always touched by how I’m the only one who can speak the right words to your heart. I know you were just joking; however, I have never forgotten to buy those hallmark Christmas cards that – God knows – are so damn expensive.

But that night, I don’t want to romanticize anything. We are just two old friends who happened to need to come to some Christmas party, and we gonna be civilized. At least that’s what’s on my plan.

You came right on time with your new car. In the last chat, you told me and made a joke about it. Honestly, I didn’t care about it.

Fun fact, you know that I was never interested in your wealth or any expensive thing that other people always talk behind you, right?

I open the car door and say hello first. I vividly remember you didn’t respond to it. You just let me come to the car with no words.

I said to myself, okay, it will be awkward. But I don’t care; at least I got a free ride.

From Depok to Kuningan, I offered my e-money card on the toll road. You just lift yours and pass it to the machine.

Can this night get any weirder?

During our 15 minutes ride, we didn’t talk to each other. Then I asked you to turn on the radio.

You laughed for a bit. “Why listen to the radio when you can connect your Spotify playlist?”. Well, I never thought about it.

Then, I play some songs from my playlist. The first one played is the song from the movie that is still in the cinema. Marlina is the title of the film.

“Have you seen the movie?” you asked.
“Yes, why?”
“Is that good?”
“Excellent.”
“Did you miss going to the cinema with me?”. Again you asked a weird question.
“Why ask, though? Did you miss us?”
“Part of me missing you. Part of me hates you. And the rest just don’t care.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“It might.”
“To answer your question, I miss you too.”
“Going to the cinema with me?”
“Nope, the whole you. There’s always part of me missing you as well.”
“But?”
“But I just can’t see the difference. I never can tell whether you like me or not. Because, even when we were together, we never really connected. Like I’m the one who always tried so hard to reach you. You just don’t care. But, sadly, I do miss your existence in my life.”
“Is that the reason why you choose to leave?”
“I guess so. I just felt you never like me that much.”
“Why do you say that?”

I sighed and tried to recollect my memories of you. I remember one event where I accompanied you to buy some stuff for your last project. I’m so happy at that time because finally, I can help you with something I’m good at. Crafting something.

When we finished, we went back to the car, and by chance, we met your friends. You seem shocked about it. You guys were joking about your college time and other internal jokes. I made eye contact with your friends, but it seems you have no intention of introducing us. So, I choose to let it be.

“You remember about a week before we broke up? On your last project?”
“I guess so.”
“We met with one of your friends, and you didn’t introduce us. You just simply ignore the fact that I was with you. Why though? Are you ashamed of me? I never asked you that question before because I knew it would hurt my pride. So, I decided to end our relationship.”
“Only because of that?”
“Again. Because I never felt you like me that much. I was always the one who happened to beg for your attention. And it hurts, though.”
“I don’t know that was hurt you so much. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’m cool now.”
We get silent when we almost reach the place. But actually, I can’t help myself to wonder.
“You haven’t answered that question. Are you ashamed of me?”
“Why is that answer so important now?”
“I just want to know.”
“He was the asshole in the class. I never liked him. So when we met together, I didn’t want him to make any fun of us. I don’t want you to know him. And I think because it’s not important, I never brought up the issue again. But, to answer your question, I am never ashamed of you. I liked you. You were so funny. How can I hate you?”
“I know. But, you never ask why I leave before anyway.”
“I guess you were right. I like you. But never that much. There’s always something that makes us never on the same frequency. I just want you when we are not in the relationship. Because I know for sure our love will never equal. I can’t give you the same love as you did. It will always not be enough for you.”

I nodded.

We arrived right on time. After dinner, I lit a cigarette and decided to take a cab and leave everything behind. I don’t know if you were looking for me or not because I blocked your number right after. I could have wondered about this answer forever. You could give me the answer at that exact moment when we had a fight, but you didn’t.

Because you never like me that much.